He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
Letting go of someone you care about its hard. Knowing when to do it is even harder. We question ourselves, the relationship and all the possible outcomes in hopes that it will give us the answer we are looking for. Love and relationships are a common theme when I’m doing readings for my clients. And many of them have the exact same issues around letting go.
Below are a set of guidelines you can use to determine if you should take a better look at what you’re really doing, and what kind of person you’re with. My hope is that they will help you make good decisions about a relationship you may be in. Or at the very least, are trying to hang onto. Just remember at the end of the day – you need to do what’s best for you.
7 Red Flags to Watch For
1) Someone tells you they don’t want you.
This one should be easy right? But somehow when we hear we are being rejected, our first move is to think of what we can do to counteract this decision. Unfortunately love has different guidelines than a business deal gone wrong. You cannot bargain or negotiate with anyone to change how they feel in their hearts. If there’s a problem you think you can work on together, I sincerely encourage you to try. But if someone is really done, please do both of you a favor and move on. It feels even worse when someone has to tell you twice that they don’t want you.
2) If someone says they aren’t sure about you.
If anyone else said this to you, you’d be out the door. So why do we stick around when someone we are romantically interested in says this to our face? The main reason we stay is that our ego interprets those words are a “challenge accepted” situation. We somehow think we can change people. Or we believe if they get a chance to see how awesome we are they will have a change of heart.
Please believe me when someone says they aren’t sure about you – this is exactly what they mean. If it’s the right thing, the universe will steer them back your way. You’re not going to miss anything. But please stop wasting your valuable time waiting for someone who says “maybe.” Especially when there are plenty of other people out there that will say “yes!”
3) When someone’s words and actions don’t match up.
Some people these days are all talk and no action. I believe this has become an issue because nobody is being held accountable for bad and disrespectful behavior anymore. It’s important in life to show up for people you care about. And you deserve to have a partner who follows through on their promises. It’s a sign of respect as well as how seriously they take your situation. If this is happening at the beginning of the relationship, what happens when some really heavy stuff goes down? Like the death of a loved one, or a serious illness like cancer. Make sure the person you’re hanging onto has your back as much as you have theirs. Because sometimes the truth is that you’re just getting lip service so they can placate you into hanging around.
4) If your friends are nicer to you than your boyfriend.
This is honestly my #1 rule of dating. If you can’t be as nice to me as my friends, you’re done. Realistically at the core of any relationship, you guys are going to have to be friends on some level. Even though this is also someone you are attracted to. If you don’t have a basic level of kindness, respect and love – your relationship isn’t going to be successful. And eventually you will start to notice that gap and start complaining. Being someone’s friend isn’t a hard job. So if you find someone not meeting these basic expectations up front, it might be a good idea for you to move on.
5) When you aren’t being heard or getting your needs met.
How often does this happen to us? We express ourselves and our partner doesn’t listen or pay attention. Or maybe they even dismiss our concerns or try to invalidate our feelings. It’s frustrating to say the least! Especially when we are trying to let someone know what we need or how we would like to be treated.
If this is happening on a consistent instead of occasional basis, you may want to take a second look at whether or not this is the right person for you. A good connection requires that both people listen to each other and try to compromise on a solution that works for everyone. Even if you have to agree to disagree in order to get there.
6) When you aren’t ready to leave.
This moment is different for everyone. Yet somehow we’ve all been there at one time or another. You know in your heart it’s time to leave the relationship, but something inside you is just not there yet. At this point your friends and family have probably told you a million times to “break up with them already.” And they’re about over listening to you complaining about your partner.
I do a lot of readings for people in this exact position. And my advice is always to leave when you feel ready, not when other people tell you that you should. You’ll always know when that is. It’s not a moment that you will ever fail to see. But if you don’t wait you may always feel like there’s unfinished business. Or that you should have tried something else to see if it would change things. So please wait until you are ready and feel good about it. It has to be your decision. Not anyone else’s.
(If you are in an abusive relationship of any kind, please disregard this advice and leave immediately. Nothing is more important than your safety, or the safety of your children.)
7) When you are thinking with your emotions instead of your brain.
When we like a person or get emotionally attached, suddenly our judgment is clouded. The twitterpation kicks in and we can’t see the cliff’s edge even if it’s right in front of us. We are mesmerized only by the pretty flowers right before the drop off. And before we know it we’re in complete free fall.
In relationships we desperately want things to be a certain way because that’s how we feel. So we fail to see a bad situation for what it truly is. Because it’s so much better than being disappointed or getting hurt. The best piece of advice I can give you is to imagine a good friend coming to you for advice in the same situation. What would you say? I think it’s important to try looking at something from a different perspective from time to time. It tends to give us some better insight into our own situations when we can take a moment to step outside our own little box.
I hope some of these benchmarks will help you out if you’re feeling confused or at a loss in the romantic areas of your life. Relationships can be hard to navigate and we all need some help and advice from time to time. Make good choices for yourself. You deserve it!